Amber and Katie in...Remediation

[OscarD]

After yet another morning dealing with a recalcitrant and bitchy Amber - this time she woke up at 5:00 in the morning and turned on the TV to watch soap operas in bed and wouldn’t turn it off - I was at the restaurant in the neighborhood to meet a friend of mine for lunch.

And ran into what turned out to be the exact person I needed to see.

“Oh, hey Oscar.”

“Hi Katie.”

“Who are you meeting? And where’s Amber? You’re just leaving her at home while you go to lunch?”

“Old fishing buddy of mine. He’s not here yet. Who are you meeting?”

“Oh, my friend Maggie. But I’m going to get a table so she doesn’t see me talking to you when she gets here.”

“Really? Why?”

“Well, because she knows about the thirty thousand dollars you owe me, and I don’t want to have to talk to her about it.”

“You told this woman that I owe you 30 grand? Are you insane?”

“Well, I mean…”

“Katie, that money is a wedding gift. You have no wedding. Do you have a date yet?”

“Well, no.”

“Then would you PLEASE stop telling people that I owe you that money? Get a wedding date and then we can talk. Sheesh!”

“Fine, whatever. You’ve made your position awfully clear.”

“Yeah, I hope so. Thanks for making me out to be the bad guy with all your friends.”

“But you didn’t answer my question. Why isn’t Amber with you?”

“Amber is…actually, can you maybe drop by after lunch?”

“I guess so. What for?”

“Well, things have gotten a little strange with Amber lately.”

“Strange how?”

“Almost a week ago now she just up and decided that she was done. And now she hangs around on the bed all day refusing to do much of anything. Won’t hold a conversation, doesn’t smile, she’s got zero filter when she does say something…it’s like she’s a completely different person.”

“Interesting. Yeah, I’ll come by.”

“Thank you, Katie.”

“All right, that’s Maggie. I’m going to get my table now, so you should, I don’t know, like clear out or something.”

“Right, OK. Great seeing you too, Katie.”

The hostess brought her to her table as Katie’s friend Maggie walked in, and I caught a couple of laser beams from her eyes as she looked at me. Luckily, just then my friend Freddie came through the door and I was able to avoid having to say anything to Maggie.

Maggie’s a bitch. Oh, man, is she a bitch.

Anyway…

[OscarD]

After lunch, I found Amber on the bed, wearing the clothes - including the shoes - that she’d been wearing and sleeping in for two days.

“Your sister is here,” I said.

“Yeah, well, I don’t want to see her.”

“Tough shit. She’s coming up the stairs.”

“Make her go away. I’m busy.”

“Binge-watching old One Life To Live episodes is not being busy, Amber.”

That earned me Amber’s new customary shitty look, but then Katie bustled her way in.

“So here’s the patient, huh?” she said.

“You’re blocking the TV,” said Amber.

“See what I mean?” I said.

“Yeah, I think I know what’s going on.”

“Would you please move out of the way?” Amber asked, in a monotone fashion.

“Echo Three Alpha. Leopard Six Epsilon,” Katie said.

Amber said nothing.

“What’s that mean?” I asked Katie.

“It’s factory code.”

And then she reached out and grabbed Amber’s head and yanked it off her body.

“Damn, Katie! What the hell?”

“That factory code is supposed to generate an inverse answer. Her not responding tells you she’s in safe mode.”

“Safe mode? More like Bitch mode.”

“Yeah, well, that’s how it goes. This is your fault, by the way.”

“Wait, what? Why is it my fault?”

“When was her last reset?”

“Reset? What’s a reset?”

“When you take her head off and let her rest. When was the last time?”

“Shit, Katie. I have no idea.”

“You’ve got to reset her overnight at least once a week, Oscar. How long has she gone without a reset?”

“Jeez, I have no idea. Definitely not since she came back from Mexico, and before that…hell, I really couldn’t tell you.”

“I can’t believe you! You just completely wore out this poor girl!”

“Hey, don’t yell at me. Nobody has ever told me that Amber had to have a reset.”

[OscarD]

“Amber didn’t tell you?”

“No, Katie. She didn’t.”

“I can’t believe that.”

“Yeah, well, believe it. Why would you think I would let her wig out like this if I knew better?”

“I guess you’re right,” she said, and set Amber’s head down.

“So what happens now?”

Meanwhile, Amber’s head stared accusingly at me.

“Well, if I were you I would give her at least three days with that head unattached to her body.”

“Seriously? That’s the whole Labor Day weekend! No Amber that whole time?”

“Unless you want a Safe mode Factory Girl who won’t cooperate with you, then yeah. Deal with it.”

“Well, that sucks. What happens afterward? She goes back to being Fun Amber again?”

“Hopefully. But she might reset to the factory default. I dunno.”

“You mean we’d have to start all over again?”

“Well, maybe. But if you’ve run her down like this, you’d better be grateful for whatever you get!”

“Jeez. All right, then. Thanks, Katie. Wait - so Craig takes your head off?”

“Every night when little Amy goes to bed, yeah.”

“You don’t sleep together?”

“Maybe once or twice a week. That’s it.”

“Wow. OK.”

“You know, you sold this poor girl the fantasy of being a real girl. It’s too much for her! You need to take better care of Amber going forward.”

“Hang on. You’re the Factory Girl who wants to get married, right? Are you sure you want to chew me out for letting Amber think she’s a real girl?”

“OK, that’s it. I’m leaving. Call me next week and let me know if my sister is permanently broken.”

“Nice seeing you, Katie.”

She rolled her eyes at me and made her way down the stairs.